The whole story - in chronological order

This is the story of the end of my marriage. It's comprised of emails and message board posts I have written. The cast is as follows:

Beej = me

Ash-holio = my ex-husband

C-Bug = my daughter (technically stepdaughter)

Dudie = my son

Ann = Ash-holio’s first wife (and C-Bug’s biological mother)

Susan = a very dear friend (whose name has been changed)

December 30, 2003

I need some support, good thoughts, and I don't know what else. My marriage is ending. It came to a head over Christmas and right afterwards, and I am scared to death. This is a financial disaster, life disaster, and the worst part, will wreck the lives of our children. I don't see any of this "working out" or being fixable as my husband is unwilling to admit to his lies, nor will he stop lying. The trust is gone. He says I have to trust him in order for this marriage to work, but he is not doing anything to gain that trust back. To the contrary, he's continuing the lies, the sneakiness, and I'm more than strongly suspecting, infidelity.

I have done EVERYTHING for my husband and for our family. The consequences of this are heartbreaking in so many ways. Children are going to be damaged by this, greatly. I can't yet explain how, not yet. I've thought seriously of just toughing things out for the children, and putting up with everything for their sake, and acting the happy clueless self-sacrificing wife for them. But I don't even think that would work.

Gosh, I wish I could explain, but I can't right now. I just need to get it out and ask for some good thoughts that somehow these children will be okay. I'm not worried about me. Thank you for letting me let loose a little.

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January 3, 2004

It's official. I'm divorcing my husband. I found out Wednesday afternoon that he has been going to swinger/sex parties. Participating. He's participating in orgies. I have hard proof and have made sure I can present that proof. I don't know how long he has been doing it. He won't stop. He'll continue to lie, cover up, deny, and screw women all over the country. I can't and won't accept that, nor can I forgive it.

Here's the heartbreaking stuff (you'll know who I am based on this). He is literally destroying a family. I will lose my daughter - because she is not my biological child. Her mother has been fighting for custodyof her and becauseof this, she will win hands down. I can't stop it, and there's no way my husband will be able to stop it (especially since he will not have a home). My daughter will lose a mother and a brother, and my son will lose his sister.

The other heartbreaking part is my son. He is disabled and requires quite a bit of therapy. I will have to go back to work full time, which means he will lose that therapy as well as his school because I won't be able to get him there. There is a chance I could get spousal support from my husband since we've agreed that me being home is best for my son, but I don't know if that would be enough to live on, and how can I rely on him to pay if I can't rely on him to live up to his marriage vows? And I have to find a way to protect my son. My husband wants to start spanking him. Aside from my anti-spanking views, my son's issues and spanking DON'T mix. And if my husband did spank him during a visit, he wouldn't be able to tell me. I can't get supervised visitation unless my husband actually does something to him, and I don't want it to come to that.

I've already started making plans and trying to figure out what to do. I have to come up with attorney fees (which is hard without an income and a husband who doesn't send enough home to pay all of the bills...another suspicious thing since he should be earning a great deal). I have to make sure we have enough to live on. I have to find a way to prepare my daughter for how her world is about to shatter. And I have to see my doctor and be tested for STD's.

My husband isn't aware that I know any of this yet. I'm playing the part of working things out until everything is set. This is very very very hard, but I have to do it for my sake and for the children. He does not have a way to access this board.

There was a time about two years ago that "you people" helped me more than I can say. The support you all gave us during that time is incredible. I feel a need to apologize now....I'm sorry that one of the people for whom you showed so much concern and support turned out to be such a piece of crap. I'm sorry that the gifts you gave benefitted him at all.

This is going to be a long, hard road to travel. I do appreciate the support you all have shown - it really means a lot. Thank you, everyone.

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January 14, 2004

Thought I would give an update on the "situation." My husbandis still unaware that I know about what he's been doing. I have to keep it that way until all of my plans are in order. It's been very hard playing the "working things out" wife (he had been talking about leaving me for months...now he says it boils down to a trust issue...me trusting him @@), but I have to continue playing the part. Ugh.

I am meeting with the attorney on Friday. Thanks to SEVERAL Knotties, I'm very prepared to get things started. Thank you again, Knotties - I'm forever indebted. I've been looking for a job and seeing if arrangements can be made so that my son will be able to keep therapy services and school. A few ideas for that have fallen through, but I'm still trying. I've spoken with my daughter's counselor, and we're trying to prepare her for the upcoming life upheaval without telling her what is happening (discussing "changes" and how to deal with them).

I've collected a great deal of information over the past couple of weeks and am finding out new stuff every day. All of it is retained for later use. When I drop this bomb, the vibrations are going to be felt in Guam.

One of the harder things I've had to do was this afternoon. I saw my gyn. to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases. The doctor is stunned by what is happening. He is incredibly supportive and has offered to do anything he can to help, including asking a colleague about services for my son (the colleague's child has the same condition my son does) and he's asking around for job opportunities that could keep me home. What a doctor! I'll find out the results of the tests on Friday and will let you know how they turn out.

As for me personally, I'm a mixture of complete mess, emotionless survival, angry beast, and a few other things I can't describe right now. People have said how well I'm handling all of this, but sometimes I really don't feel like that's true. Other times, I think "there is no way I'm going to let this jackball wreck me."

I think the biggest factor in all of this has been the support, the overwhelming support, that people have shown. Some of you have heard me say this: I feel like I'm in the final scene of "It's a Wonderful Life." Incredible feeling. From you people and others who have shown so much love, that's where my strength is coming from. Again, thank you for that.

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January 15, 2004

I've been working on myplans to kick that Jackball out and get this divorce started. I've come across more information/more dirt. He reactivated his Hotmail email address....and I know that password to it. I've found 3 swinger web sites, so far, where he's registered and put up a profile (in addition to the 76 Yahoo groups and 3 MSN groups). My printer ran out of ink from everything I'm printing out...gotta get new cartridges today.

I'm trying to not let this whole thing become all-communing as far as time, attention, etc., but it's hard. Last night, I found a poll in one of his Yahoo groups put out regarding Saturday night's gang bang/party, asking who's attending and who's not. Jackball confirmed that he is indeed going. Then he called me and said he was in an eastern state, was on his way to another city to pick up a load....and taking that load to Missouri (the state where the party will be). I asked "Oh, where in Missouri?" He said, "I dunno...somewhere there." He ALWAYS knows where he's going. So, his plans are set, I know it, and I have to pretend I don't.

Last night's revelations in addition to everything else has hit pretty hard. It's been a pretty huge blow to my self worth. I mean....this is the guy who wanted to marry me. And look at what a piece of crap he's turned out to be. The only person who wanted me is a piece of crap. I've always been Great Friend Beej, Drinking Buddy Beej, Good Pal Beej, Too Fat to Date Beej. And now I come to find out that the only person who did consider me marriage worthy is a scumbag. Doesn't make me feel worthy of anything or anyone good, y'know? Now, I know that Ash-holio's behavior has nothing to do with me, and I didn't do anything to cause it, and it's not my fault. But if this is the kind of person who would want me, then what does that say about me? Y'know? If I'm such a great person, then why did I end up with this jackass? Am I that gullible/stupid/self-destructive/naive? Looks like it.

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January 16, 2004

Warning....cussing below. Hide your eyes if offended by the "F" word:

I'm getting angrier by the day. Tonight he told me that he might not have enough driving hours to take a load tomorrow morning, so he may have to stay in St. Louis tomorrow. There's a gang bang scheduled outside of St. Louis tomorrow night. I read on the swinger group page that he confirmed he's gonna be there. Motherfucker. Let your family get theirelectricity turned off because you're not sending home enough money to pay the most minimal bills because you're spending time banging multiple women instead of driving and earning a fucking living. Go on and screw everyone, catch a bunch of STD's and then bring them home to your wife. Never mind that what you're doing has screwed up your daughter's life and your son's life...that's okay...as long as you get to stick your dick in everyone.

I created a pseudonym on Yahoo, joined one of the groups (the one that's having the party tomorrow) and started IMing with him. He told "her" there's a pu**y eating contest at the party - and he's the one who started it because he's so good at it. BAH! He then invited "her" for a 1-on-1 party since "she" can't make it tomorrow. Bastard.

I think I am getting over the "Only assholes date me because apparently I'm not good enough for someone better" syndrome. The anger has returned with force and is fueling me now. Had the first meeting with my attorney this afternoon and he almost fell over when I showed him everything I have (copied list of the 76 swinger/gang bang groups he's subscribed to on Yahoo, emails about the parties...and he sent someone a naked picture of Dudie.) The pic of Dudie is what blew him away the most, and while he *might* have had innocent intentions behind it, we're keeping it as leverage because it can damage him HUGE. HUUUUGE.

He sat on the phone with me tonight lying his ass off, and I kept thinking, "Yep, keep lying, fucker. Keeeeeeep it up. You're about to get blasted off the face of the earth and be left with no family...no wife, no children, no home. Might as well keep driving that truck because you'll have no home to come to AND you'll be paying out your ass - child support to two different mothers and spousal support to me. Yeah, keep lying and screwing. That's all you'll be left with."

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January 21, 2004

Got the blood tests back yesterday. I am cootie free. It was a good birthday present. Today is "D-day"....my attorney will file my petition for dissolution of marriage this afternoon. Today is also my husband's birthday. Ha. He still doesn't know I'm filing or that I know what's been going on. And I'm still trying to figure out how to drop the bomb and get final details in order (changing the locks to the apartment and the car, etc.). I'm nervous as hell today, as this is the start ofthe official process. Eek.

Later same day:

Well, it didn't go as planned. My attorney called the clerk, and it was confirmed that Ash-holio has to sign for the certified mail - I can't. So this screws up how we serve him. The only thing I can do at this point is let him know he has certified mail at the post office that he has to come sign for, and hope that he does. I asked my attorney to go ahead and file tomorrow and have it served here. Tomorrow I'll call the post office and find out how long they'll hold it - and ask for an extension if it's not long enough. Tonight, Ash-holio told me that it will likely be another month before he comes home, saying "I have to stay out here and make some money so we can get back on track." @@ Yeah. Right.

I ordered a mother/daughter necklace for C-Bug today. I'm going to give it to her when I tell her what's happening. I still don't know how to tell her or what to say...I'm afraid. She is going to be devastated.

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January 24, 2004

I got my copies of the petition for dissolution and the accompanying papers today. This was a surprise...."The Petitioner is the fit and proper person to have custody of said minor child and awarding sole custody to the Petitioner would be in the best interest of the child."

I didn't know we were petitioning for SOLE custody! I figured we'd do joint custody with me having primary residence and my husband having visitation. Joint custody in our state doesn't mean each parent has an equal share of time - it means each parent has access to all records and has a say in decision making regarding the child. It was indeed a surprise to see that I'm seeking sole custody of my son, but the more I think about it, the better it sounds.

The problem we're dealing with now is having him served. He said to me the other night that he probably won't be coming home for another month. A few nights ago, I came across a P.O. Box for a city in the state where my husband's company is located. It was listed as his mailing address on his pay settlements. I'm going to call his company to see if it's one of their boxes (which is unlikely considering his company is 175 miles from the city where is company is located). If it's not the company's box, we're going to try to serve him via that box. I've already received his certified mail card in our home mailbox today, but I haven't told him about it yet. Have to figure out what to tell him. I don't want to concoct a story to get him home, like a health emergency. The idea just doesn't sit right with me and I think karma will bite my butt if I do that.

My birthday was this past week, and even with all of this going on, it was a great day. My husband called at midnight and sang happy birthday into the machine - the monkey version. That's all he did for my birthday. But it really didn't matter. Many people made it special for me, including you people - thank you again.

My husband called today and talked about getting a local job. He said before he commits to it, he has to make some big decisions. I said, "Oh, you mean whether or not you want to stay married to me?" (He was talking about leaving me a few months ago, but I thought it was due to life and job stresses). He said, "Yes, that's the biggest decision." I was very matter-of-fact about the whole thing, knowing that I'm about 14 steps ahead of him in that decision. He still doesn't know that I'm aware of his "activities" or what I'm planning.

I have decided to talk to my daughter's bio-mother and "align" with her in order to have more access to my daughter. Let's just hope it works.

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January 27, 2004

Came across some interesting information tonight. Remember the naked picture he sent of Dudie? The woman he sent it to is his 21 year-old bisexual girlfriend, with whom he has an "open relationship." I'm 99.999(etc.)% sure that the phone number in eastern Kentucky, the one to which there are thousands of minutes on his cell phone bill, is hers. He said that this girl is going to be riding in the truck with him, full time, within the next few months. And he's telling people that he has been divorced for three months.

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January 30, 2004

Please disregard if you are sensitive to certain language (and/or you don't wish to read my rantings)

I've revised my letter to Ash-holio. I plan to give this to him right after he's been served, and I don't want him to know how I know he's been cheating....so I put a little inference in the letter. (Don't worry...my test results came back cootie free). If he finds out now how I got the information, he'll change his passwords. I'd like to continue to monitor things through the divorce in case something valuable comes up. Anyway, if you care to read, here's the version I plan to give him. Feel free to give any input you may have.

*****

I have a lot to say, and I don't even know where to begin. So I'll just write.

Ash-holio, I've given you over seven years of my life. Seven years of love, devotion, support, loyalty. I've given you everything. Almost five years ago, we stood before our family, friends, and God and took marriage vows. I took your daughter as my own child and put my heart and soul into raising her, as well as our son; and I put my heart and soul into you. You've taken that, all of it, and you've stomped the shit out of it.

You said that we don't have a marriage unless we have trust. You're absolutely right. I don't trust you. You've given me reason time and time again to not trust you. You demand over and over again that I trust you, and then you go and prove yourself totally and completely untrustworthy. I have the proof. You've made up the biggest bullshit stories and stood by them even when I have proven otherwise. You know who that's like? My father. I'm sitting here thinking, "My gosh, I've married my father."

I know what you've been doing. You've been cheating on me. A lot. I know this. Denying it at this point is futile and only makes you look more stupid. You go off screwing other women, and then you come home and have sex with me, your wife. Your wife who has been 100% faithful to you, our marriage, and our family. You accuse me of being unfaithful - what a fucking joke. Sure, try to take the focus off of YOUR behavior. It's not working. I've always been faithful to you - in heart and in deed. You've taken that faithfulness and cast it aside. Go on and screw everyone, catch a bunch of STD's and then bring them home to your wife. (By the way, see a doctor.) Never mind that what you're doing has fucked up my life, your daughter's life and your son's life...that's okay as long as you get to stick your dick in everyone.

You said you loved me more than anything and would do anything to keep our marriage. Again, bullshit. Everything, every word of it, bullshit. You want to have your cake and screw it too. Guess what? Not happening anymore. NOT ANYMORE.

You said that "sometimes love isn't enough." You're right. It's not. There's honesty, responsibility, faithfulness, and being an adult - none of which you've shown and apparently, don't possess. I've put up with a LOT of shit from you, Ash-holio,since the verybeginning. You know I have. You've said it yourself.

I guess you thought you'd just never get caught. You were wrong. And you should have known better. You've betrayed me, your daughter, your son - our family. You've stomped on it. You don't give a damn about anyone but yourself. You know what's going to happen to C-Bug - but you don't care. You know what's going to happen to Dudie - but you don't care. You have wrecked your children's lives. Congratulations. What a father.

I don't know how long this has been going on. Was it happening when we were dating? I don't know, though the signs were there. Frankly Ash-holio, it doesn't matter. I know now - that's what matters. And because of what you've done, I no longer have any love for you. It's gone. It's dead. You killed it.

That picture you have on your Yahoo profile - the one you use to pick up women. That's the picture I took of you as I lay on a hospital gurney, about to give birth to our son. I remember telling you how great you look in that picture. And you use it to gather sex partners. Thank you for staining the memory of Dudie's birth.

How in the hell could you possibly think that you wouldn't get caught? Did you really think you could keep this up and I wouldn't find out? Did you ever actually care if I found out? Did you ever really love me? Apparently not. You don't do this to people you love.

I've been thinking about things you said the Sunday morning after Christmas. You said, "I swear on Dudie's life that I've never cheated on you." So....I should expect him to drop dead any moment now, shouldn't I. How DARE you say that. And then you said, "I swear to *goodness* I've never cheated." Goodness, eh? You only do that when you're lying...otherwise you'd swear to God. You tried to blame our problems on me. Guess what. I'm blameless. I have done EVERYTHING for you. I fought for your daughter. I took care of things. I supported you in everything since the day we met. I stood by you when you were up on felony charges. I stood by you as you hopped from job to job. I have no responsibility for the destruction of our marriage and family. You have it all. Hope it's worth it.

Each time you call me, you fill the conversation with lies. And I know they're lies as you're saying them. I'm not stupid. Each time you said you loved me, you were lying.

You said you don't ever want to hurt me. You don't give a fuck if you hurt me or anyone else. You said you don't want to wreck your children's lives, but you "need to be happy too." Yeah, it's all about *you* and what you want, isn't it. You don't love me - I doubt you ever did - and you don't love your children. And they know it. They see how you treat them. They know you don't give a fuck about them either.

Your actions are doing the following: your daughter is losing the mother who has raised her for several years; your daughter is losing her brother; your son is losing his sister. Your children will suffer. Because of YOU. Never mind what you've done to me.

I am divorcing you, Ash-holio. Good luck with the life you've chosen.