February 14, 2004

Ash-holio showed up for C-Bug's game last night....30 seconds before she was to perform. C-Bug was panic stricken, in tears, until that point because she thought Daddy wasn't coming. I was furious. Ash-holio's excuse was that his mother brought him and ran all these errands before the game. Yeah...right.

He asked if he could use my car to take C-Bug to a movie. I thought his plan was to tell her after the movie. So I drove home (he was in the car) and he came in for a minute before leaving with C-Bug (something that won't happen again). She asked him if they could go eat after the movie and he said, "I don't know. We have to have a serious talk and I doubt you'll be hungry after it. In fact, I doubt you'll want to see the movie." ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!! He told her in the car BEFORE the movie!!

So he called me and said, "I just told her and she doesn't seem too upset about it. She was kinda upset at first, but I told her that she'll still see you and Dudie, so she's fine with it now." I was so angry. Of course she's not gonna show Ash-holio how she feels...she never does! Then he proceeds to accuse me of cashing our tax refund check behind his back because he found an envelope in the car....which was from Dudie's SSI check. I'll have words with him this afternoon about accusing me of ANYTHING in front of the children (or any other time, for that matter).

He hasn't gotten his stuff out of here yet. I told him he has until the end of today, and then it's going into the dumpster (except for the TV...I'll keep that).

After getting home from the movie, I had C-Bug get into my bed so we could have big talks. She said, "I don't want to talk about it." I said, "Buggy, we have to." I told her why this is happening. She said, "Daddy told me. He cheated on you." I explained exactly what cheating is, and informed her that he's still doing it. I explained that if I stayed with him, it would only teach her to stay with someone who's treating her poorly and breaking vows, and that's something I musn't teach her. I told her that her moving to her mother's ripped my heart out, but that I'm not responsible for that, her father is. I told her that Ash-holio knew his actions would cause C-Bug to move to her mother and Dudie to lose out on things, but he's doing it anyway. She said, "Daddy said he's working his butt off so you can stay home with Dudie." I said, "Yes Bug...because I'm making him. He's trying to make me go back to work, but y'know? *I* didn't do this, so I'm not going to punish Dudie for what your father has done."

She kept saying, "Shoes. I'm thinking about shoes." I asked her what she was talking about, and she said she was thinking about shoes to keep from crying. I told her that it's okay to cry (I was bawling), and she said, "I don't want to cry, and I don't want to think about it." I told her that I understood completely, and that was okay at the time, but a little at a time, she's going to have to think about and deal with this, and that I'm here to help her as well as her counselor.

I gave her two things...a dolphin necklace/earring set of mine that she's wanted for years, and the mother&child necklace. She loved them both and thanked me, but was pretty detached from the whole situation. I know what she's doing...avoiding the whole thing as hard as she can. I figured she would. But it's gonna come out sometime soon, and it's gonna be an explosion.

Ash-holio took her to Cincinnati this morning to watch him bowl in a tournament. (Gee, he can only give me $150 for the week because he's so broke, yet he can go to a bowling tournament). She'll be back late this afternoon. If Ash-holio's stuff isn't being carried out of here when they get back, then off to the dumpster it goes.

I made the reservation for the hotel room. We're going to a Holiday Inn Holidome on Sunday and staying until Monday morning (Saturday's rate is $119 for the night and Sunday's is $57...good ol' V-Day price hike). I told C-Bug about it last night, and she's psyched.

That's it for now.

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February 26, 2004

So Ash-holio just called....told me that after this co-driver, he's done with training. Then he said, "I might as well tell you so you hear it from me....I'm having Lisa ride in the truck with me so she can see whether or not she wants to train and drive a truck."

I said...."So, you're bringing the girlfriend on, eh? The one you tried to get me to agree to ride with you back in October...when you were already sleeping with her. The one you said is some 'poor girl in a bad situation' and you just wanted to help her out. The one whose FATHER was going to call me because he wanted to keep her from leaving. The father you said was some psycho and was only trying to get you into trouble. Newsflash. I've known for a long time that you were planning to have her ride in the truck with you."

I said, "Thanks Ash-holio. Thanks a lot." He said, "For what?" I said, "For all of it." He said, "I'm sorry." I said, "No, you're NOT sorry. Don't bother saying it Ash-holio because you're not." Motherfucker.

I've got to stop letting him make me cry, dammit. But I'm looking at C-Bug and seeing what this asshole has done to her. I mean...she went fetal during her counseling appointment - literally lying in a chair in the fetal position. And it's his damned fault. And he says, "I'm sorry." Sorry my ass.

Oh, and he says that C-Bug's fine and that her going fetal during her counseling session and chanting to make herself not cry is C-Bug acting for ME. He said, "She only does this when you're near." Gee, maybe because she can TRUST ME?!?!

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Early March 2004

Ash-holio came to get his stuff. Well, half of it.

He and his mother came over Friday afternoon to pick up his things. I gotta tell ya...Ash-holio looks bad. Really bad. He hasn't had a haircut since November 12 (when Susan came over and gave him a buzz cut). He hasn't shaven in probably two months...and this guy grows hair faster than a Chia Pet. His t-shirt was too small - belly hanging out. He was wearing too small sweat pants with the legs tucked into his work boots - which were untied. He's a mess.

He loaded the car and said, "Well, that's all I can take this time. The car's full." I said, "Can't you take it to your mother's and come back for the rest?" (She lives about 15 minutes from here). He said, "I won't be in town that long." @@ So his mother, the perpetual "take care of my baby" person, said that she and Ash-holio's dad would come and get the rest. Fine. Whatever.

Then we went to the bank (branch at Meijer) to cash the tax refund check and take my name off of our joint account. They won't take my name off, so next week after the last two checks have cleared, I'm closing the entire account. Ash-holio can't get a bank account on his own (because he's an idiot), so his mommy opened a joint account with him. Hope she's prepared to pay for his online gaming - I know he won't put any money into that account. Idiot.

So, when we got to the bank, the guys who work there all saw me with Ash-holio and their eyes bugged out. LOL (They all know what's going on). I made sure to look particularly good that day - hair and makeup and stuff. Eric, oneof the bankers, went on - loudly - about how good I look and actually gave me a hug...in front of Ash-holio. It was priceless. LMAO (Even better that Eric is a hottie...hehehe).

On the divorce process front.....my attorney is preparing an agreed settlement and will send it to Ash-holio's attorney soon. In the agreement, I'm putting in for my having sole custody of Dudie. This is the only thing so far that we're not agreeing on...Ash-holio doesn't know yet that I'm actually seeking sole custody. He's going to balk at that, which means we'll go to mediation. I *want* to force him into mediation. My plan is to show him, his attorney, and the mediator everything I've collected on him over the past couple of months. That's where I want Ash-holio to see what I know. I want to see him freak out. I have a strong feeling he'll give me sole custody after seeing that huge stack of paper I've collected.

So that's where we are. One more thing - I want to once again thank everyone for your support. I know I tend to write an update and then not respond to your replies. It's not that I don't appreciate your replies and thoughts - it's just that there are so many (and I know that's a good thing)...and writing the updates takes a lot out of me emotionally. Please know that I appreciate every response, thought, word of encouragement, expression of support - all of it. Please don't be hurt that I don't respond - know that I respond in my head and heart if not my fingers.