The whole story - in chronological order

This is the story of the end of my marriage. It's comprised of emails and message board posts I have written. The cast is as follows:

Beej = me

Ash-holio = my ex-husband

C-Bug = my daughter (technically stepdaughter)

Dudie = my son

Ann = Ash-holio’s first wife (and C-Bug’s biological mother)

Susan = a very dear friend (whose name has been changed)

December 30, 2003

I need some support, good thoughts, and I don't know what else. My marriage is ending. It came to a head over Christmas and right afterwards, and I am scared to death. This is a financial disaster, life disaster, and the worst part, will wreck the lives of our children. I don't see any of this "working out" or being fixable as my husband is unwilling to admit to his lies, nor will he stop lying. The trust is gone. He says I have to trust him in order for this marriage to work, but he is not doing anything to gain that trust back. To the contrary, he's continuing the lies, the sneakiness, and I'm more than strongly suspecting, infidelity.

I have done EVERYTHING for my husband and for our family. The consequences of this are heartbreaking in so many ways. Children are going to be damaged by this, greatly. I can't yet explain how, not yet. I've thought seriously of just toughing things out for the children, and putting up with everything for their sake, and acting the happy clueless self-sacrificing wife for them. But I don't even think that would work.

Gosh, I wish I could explain, but I can't right now. I just need to get it out and ask for some good thoughts that somehow these children will be okay. I'm not worried about me. Thank you for letting me let loose a little.

_____________________________________________

January 3, 2004

It's official. I'm divorcing my husband. I found out Wednesday afternoon that he has been going to swinger/sex parties. Participating. He's participating in orgies. I have hard proof and have made sure I can present that proof. I don't know how long he has been doing it. He won't stop. He'll continue to lie, cover up, deny, and screw women all over the country. I can't and won't accept that, nor can I forgive it.

Here's the heartbreaking stuff (you'll know who I am based on this). He is literally destroying a family. I will lose my daughter - because she is not my biological child. Her mother has been fighting for custodyof her and becauseof this, she will win hands down. I can't stop it, and there's no way my husband will be able to stop it (especially since he will not have a home). My daughter will lose a mother and a brother, and my son will lose his sister.

The other heartbreaking part is my son. He is disabled and requires quite a bit of therapy. I will have to go back to work full time, which means he will lose that therapy as well as his school because I won't be able to get him there. There is a chance I could get spousal support from my husband since we've agreed that me being home is best for my son, but I don't know if that would be enough to live on, and how can I rely on him to pay if I can't rely on him to live up to his marriage vows? And I have to find a way to protect my son. My husband wants to start spanking him. Aside from my anti-spanking views, my son's issues and spanking DON'T mix. And if my husband did spank him during a visit, he wouldn't be able to tell me. I can't get supervised visitation unless my husband actually does something to him, and I don't want it to come to that.

I've already started making plans and trying to figure out what to do. I have to come up with attorney fees (which is hard without an income and a husband who doesn't send enough home to pay all of the bills...another suspicious thing since he should be earning a great deal). I have to make sure we have enough to live on. I have to find a way to prepare my daughter for how her world is about to shatter. And I have to see my doctor and be tested for STD's.

My husband isn't aware that I know any of this yet. I'm playing the part of working things out until everything is set. This is very very very hard, but I have to do it for my sake and for the children. He does not have a way to access this board.

There was a time about two years ago that "you people" helped me more than I can say. The support you all gave us during that time is incredible. I feel a need to apologize now....I'm sorry that one of the people for whom you showed so much concern and support turned out to be such a piece of crap. I'm sorry that the gifts you gave benefitted him at all.

This is going to be a long, hard road to travel. I do appreciate the support you all have shown - it really means a lot. Thank you, everyone.

_____________________________________________

January 14, 2004

Thought I would give an update on the "situation." My husbandis still unaware that I know about what he's been doing. I have to keep it that way until all of my plans are in order. It's been very hard playing the "working things out" wife (he had been talking about leaving me for months...now he says it boils down to a trust issue...me trusting him @@), but I have to continue playing the part. Ugh.

I am meeting with the attorney on Friday. Thanks to SEVERAL Knotties, I'm very prepared to get things started. Thank you again, Knotties - I'm forever indebted. I've been looking for a job and seeing if arrangements can be made so that my son will be able to keep therapy services and school. A few ideas for that have fallen through, but I'm still trying. I've spoken with my daughter's counselor, and we're trying to prepare her for the upcoming life upheaval without telling her what is happening (discussing "changes" and how to deal with them).

I've collected a great deal of information over the past couple of weeks and am finding out new stuff every day. All of it is retained for later use. When I drop this bomb, the vibrations are going to be felt in Guam.

One of the harder things I've had to do was this afternoon. I saw my gyn. to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases. The doctor is stunned by what is happening. He is incredibly supportive and has offered to do anything he can to help, including asking a colleague about services for my son (the colleague's child has the same condition my son does) and he's asking around for job opportunities that could keep me home. What a doctor! I'll find out the results of the tests on Friday and will let you know how they turn out.

As for me personally, I'm a mixture of complete mess, emotionless survival, angry beast, and a few other things I can't describe right now. People have said how well I'm handling all of this, but sometimes I really don't feel like that's true. Other times, I think "there is no way I'm going to let this jackball wreck me."

I think the biggest factor in all of this has been the support, the overwhelming support, that people have shown. Some of you have heard me say this: I feel like I'm in the final scene of "It's a Wonderful Life." Incredible feeling. From you people and others who have shown so much love, that's where my strength is coming from. Again, thank you for that.

________________________________________

January 15, 2004

I've been working on myplans to kick that Jackball out and get this divorce started. I've come across more information/more dirt. He reactivated his Hotmail email address....and I know that password to it. I've found 3 swinger web sites, so far, where he's registered and put up a profile (in addition to the 76 Yahoo groups and 3 MSN groups). My printer ran out of ink from everything I'm printing out...gotta get new cartridges today.

I'm trying to not let this whole thing become all-communing as far as time, attention, etc., but it's hard. Last night, I found a poll in one of his Yahoo groups put out regarding Saturday night's gang bang/party, asking who's attending and who's not. Jackball confirmed that he is indeed going. Then he called me and said he was in an eastern state, was on his way to another city to pick up a load....and taking that load to Missouri (the state where the party will be). I asked "Oh, where in Missouri?" He said, "I dunno...somewhere there." He ALWAYS knows where he's going. So, his plans are set, I know it, and I have to pretend I don't.

Last night's revelations in addition to everything else has hit pretty hard. It's been a pretty huge blow to my self worth. I mean....this is the guy who wanted to marry me. And look at what a piece of crap he's turned out to be. The only person who wanted me is a piece of crap. I've always been Great Friend Beej, Drinking Buddy Beej, Good Pal Beej, Too Fat to Date Beej. And now I come to find out that the only person who did consider me marriage worthy is a scumbag. Doesn't make me feel worthy of anything or anyone good, y'know? Now, I know that Ash-holio's behavior has nothing to do with me, and I didn't do anything to cause it, and it's not my fault. But if this is the kind of person who would want me, then what does that say about me? Y'know? If I'm such a great person, then why did I end up with this jackass? Am I that gullible/stupid/self-destructive/naive? Looks like it.

_____________________________________________

January 16, 2004

Warning....cussing below. Hide your eyes if offended by the "F" word:

I'm getting angrier by the day. Tonight he told me that he might not have enough driving hours to take a load tomorrow morning, so he may have to stay in St. Louis tomorrow. There's a gang bang scheduled outside of St. Louis tomorrow night. I read on the swinger group page that he confirmed he's gonna be there. Motherfucker. Let your family get theirelectricity turned off because you're not sending home enough money to pay the most minimal bills because you're spending time banging multiple women instead of driving and earning a fucking living. Go on and screw everyone, catch a bunch of STD's and then bring them home to your wife. Never mind that what you're doing has screwed up your daughter's life and your son's life...that's okay...as long as you get to stick your dick in everyone.

I created a pseudonym on Yahoo, joined one of the groups (the one that's having the party tomorrow) and started IMing with him. He told "her" there's a pu**y eating contest at the party - and he's the one who started it because he's so good at it. BAH! He then invited "her" for a 1-on-1 party since "she" can't make it tomorrow. Bastard.

I think I am getting over the "Only assholes date me because apparently I'm not good enough for someone better" syndrome. The anger has returned with force and is fueling me now. Had the first meeting with my attorney this afternoon and he almost fell over when I showed him everything I have (copied list of the 76 swinger/gang bang groups he's subscribed to on Yahoo, emails about the parties...and he sent someone a naked picture of Dudie.) The pic of Dudie is what blew him away the most, and while he *might* have had innocent intentions behind it, we're keeping it as leverage because it can damage him HUGE. HUUUUGE.

He sat on the phone with me tonight lying his ass off, and I kept thinking, "Yep, keep lying, fucker. Keeeeeeep it up. You're about to get blasted off the face of the earth and be left with no family...no wife, no children, no home. Might as well keep driving that truck because you'll have no home to come to AND you'll be paying out your ass - child support to two different mothers and spousal support to me. Yeah, keep lying and screwing. That's all you'll be left with."

_____________________________________________

January 21, 2004

Got the blood tests back yesterday. I am cootie free. It was a good birthday present. Today is "D-day"....my attorney will file my petition for dissolution of marriage this afternoon. Today is also my husband's birthday. Ha. He still doesn't know I'm filing or that I know what's been going on. And I'm still trying to figure out how to drop the bomb and get final details in order (changing the locks to the apartment and the car, etc.). I'm nervous as hell today, as this is the start ofthe official process. Eek.

Later same day:

Well, it didn't go as planned. My attorney called the clerk, and it was confirmed that Ash-holio has to sign for the certified mail - I can't. So this screws up how we serve him. The only thing I can do at this point is let him know he has certified mail at the post office that he has to come sign for, and hope that he does. I asked my attorney to go ahead and file tomorrow and have it served here. Tomorrow I'll call the post office and find out how long they'll hold it - and ask for an extension if it's not long enough. Tonight, Ash-holio told me that it will likely be another month before he comes home, saying "I have to stay out here and make some money so we can get back on track." @@ Yeah. Right.

I ordered a mother/daughter necklace for C-Bug today. I'm going to give it to her when I tell her what's happening. I still don't know how to tell her or what to say...I'm afraid. She is going to be devastated.

_____________________________________________

January 24, 2004

I got my copies of the petition for dissolution and the accompanying papers today. This was a surprise...."The Petitioner is the fit and proper person to have custody of said minor child and awarding sole custody to the Petitioner would be in the best interest of the child."

I didn't know we were petitioning for SOLE custody! I figured we'd do joint custody with me having primary residence and my husband having visitation. Joint custody in our state doesn't mean each parent has an equal share of time - it means each parent has access to all records and has a say in decision making regarding the child. It was indeed a surprise to see that I'm seeking sole custody of my son, but the more I think about it, the better it sounds.

The problem we're dealing with now is having him served. He said to me the other night that he probably won't be coming home for another month. A few nights ago, I came across a P.O. Box for a city in the state where my husband's company is located. It was listed as his mailing address on his pay settlements. I'm going to call his company to see if it's one of their boxes (which is unlikely considering his company is 175 miles from the city where is company is located). If it's not the company's box, we're going to try to serve him via that box. I've already received his certified mail card in our home mailbox today, but I haven't told him about it yet. Have to figure out what to tell him. I don't want to concoct a story to get him home, like a health emergency. The idea just doesn't sit right with me and I think karma will bite my butt if I do that.

My birthday was this past week, and even with all of this going on, it was a great day. My husband called at midnight and sang happy birthday into the machine - the monkey version. That's all he did for my birthday. But it really didn't matter. Many people made it special for me, including you people - thank you again.

My husband called today and talked about getting a local job. He said before he commits to it, he has to make some big decisions. I said, "Oh, you mean whether or not you want to stay married to me?" (He was talking about leaving me a few months ago, but I thought it was due to life and job stresses). He said, "Yes, that's the biggest decision." I was very matter-of-fact about the whole thing, knowing that I'm about 14 steps ahead of him in that decision. He still doesn't know that I'm aware of his "activities" or what I'm planning.

I have decided to talk to my daughter's bio-mother and "align" with her in order to have more access to my daughter. Let's just hope it works.

_____________________________________________

January 27, 2004

Came across some interesting information tonight. Remember the naked picture he sent of Dudie? The woman he sent it to is his 21 year-old bisexual girlfriend, with whom he has an "open relationship." I'm 99.999(etc.)% sure that the phone number in eastern Kentucky, the one to which there are thousands of minutes on his cell phone bill, is hers. He said that this girl is going to be riding in the truck with him, full time, within the next few months. And he's telling people that he has been divorced for three months.

_____________________________________________

January 30, 2004

Please disregard if you are sensitive to certain language (and/or you don't wish to read my rantings)

I've revised my letter to Ash-holio. I plan to give this to him right after he's been served, and I don't want him to know how I know he's been cheating....so I put a little inference in the letter. (Don't worry...my test results came back cootie free). If he finds out now how I got the information, he'll change his passwords. I'd like to continue to monitor things through the divorce in case something valuable comes up. Anyway, if you care to read, here's the version I plan to give him. Feel free to give any input you may have.

*****

I have a lot to say, and I don't even know where to begin. So I'll just write.

Ash-holio, I've given you over seven years of my life. Seven years of love, devotion, support, loyalty. I've given you everything. Almost five years ago, we stood before our family, friends, and God and took marriage vows. I took your daughter as my own child and put my heart and soul into raising her, as well as our son; and I put my heart and soul into you. You've taken that, all of it, and you've stomped the shit out of it.

You said that we don't have a marriage unless we have trust. You're absolutely right. I don't trust you. You've given me reason time and time again to not trust you. You demand over and over again that I trust you, and then you go and prove yourself totally and completely untrustworthy. I have the proof. You've made up the biggest bullshit stories and stood by them even when I have proven otherwise. You know who that's like? My father. I'm sitting here thinking, "My gosh, I've married my father."

I know what you've been doing. You've been cheating on me. A lot. I know this. Denying it at this point is futile and only makes you look more stupid. You go off screwing other women, and then you come home and have sex with me, your wife. Your wife who has been 100% faithful to you, our marriage, and our family. You accuse me of being unfaithful - what a fucking joke. Sure, try to take the focus off of YOUR behavior. It's not working. I've always been faithful to you - in heart and in deed. You've taken that faithfulness and cast it aside. Go on and screw everyone, catch a bunch of STD's and then bring them home to your wife. (By the way, see a doctor.) Never mind that what you're doing has fucked up my life, your daughter's life and your son's life...that's okay as long as you get to stick your dick in everyone.

You said you loved me more than anything and would do anything to keep our marriage. Again, bullshit. Everything, every word of it, bullshit. You want to have your cake and screw it too. Guess what? Not happening anymore. NOT ANYMORE.

You said that "sometimes love isn't enough." You're right. It's not. There's honesty, responsibility, faithfulness, and being an adult - none of which you've shown and apparently, don't possess. I've put up with a LOT of shit from you, Ash-holio,since the verybeginning. You know I have. You've said it yourself.

I guess you thought you'd just never get caught. You were wrong. And you should have known better. You've betrayed me, your daughter, your son - our family. You've stomped on it. You don't give a damn about anyone but yourself. You know what's going to happen to C-Bug - but you don't care. You know what's going to happen to Dudie - but you don't care. You have wrecked your children's lives. Congratulations. What a father.

I don't know how long this has been going on. Was it happening when we were dating? I don't know, though the signs were there. Frankly Ash-holio, it doesn't matter. I know now - that's what matters. And because of what you've done, I no longer have any love for you. It's gone. It's dead. You killed it.

That picture you have on your Yahoo profile - the one you use to pick up women. That's the picture I took of you as I lay on a hospital gurney, about to give birth to our son. I remember telling you how great you look in that picture. And you use it to gather sex partners. Thank you for staining the memory of Dudie's birth.

How in the hell could you possibly think that you wouldn't get caught? Did you really think you could keep this up and I wouldn't find out? Did you ever actually care if I found out? Did you ever really love me? Apparently not. You don't do this to people you love.

I've been thinking about things you said the Sunday morning after Christmas. You said, "I swear on Dudie's life that I've never cheated on you." So....I should expect him to drop dead any moment now, shouldn't I. How DARE you say that. And then you said, "I swear to *goodness* I've never cheated." Goodness, eh? You only do that when you're lying...otherwise you'd swear to God. You tried to blame our problems on me. Guess what. I'm blameless. I have done EVERYTHING for you. I fought for your daughter. I took care of things. I supported you in everything since the day we met. I stood by you when you were up on felony charges. I stood by you as you hopped from job to job. I have no responsibility for the destruction of our marriage and family. You have it all. Hope it's worth it.

Each time you call me, you fill the conversation with lies. And I know they're lies as you're saying them. I'm not stupid. Each time you said you loved me, you were lying.

You said you don't ever want to hurt me. You don't give a fuck if you hurt me or anyone else. You said you don't want to wreck your children's lives, but you "need to be happy too." Yeah, it's all about *you* and what you want, isn't it. You don't love me - I doubt you ever did - and you don't love your children. And they know it. They see how you treat them. They know you don't give a fuck about them either.

Your actions are doing the following: your daughter is losing the mother who has raised her for several years; your daughter is losing her brother; your son is losing his sister. Your children will suffer. Because of YOU. Never mind what you've done to me.

I am divorcing you, Ash-holio. Good luck with the life you've chosen.

February 3, 2004

My pseudonym (alter ego I created on Yahoo) had a long chat with Ash-holio the other night. I'm pasting the IM. Be prepared....it's a doozy. Notice my bad punctuation and spelling. ::::snicker::: Note: Please DON'T contact the "girlfriend". I left the link in there just so you can see her. That's the woman Ash-holio sent the naked Dudie picture to. Just PLEASE don't contact her. I'm going to after Ash-holio has been served.

Ash-holio: hello

PseudoMe: hi!

PseudoMe: i am so sick

Ash-holio: im sorry to here that

Ash-holio: im horny so just as bad

PseudoMe: thanks

PseudoMe: lol you need to do somthing about that

Ash-holio: im going to stroke it soon

PseudoMe: take pics

Ash-holio: lol no cam in truck\

PseudoMe: damnit lol

Ash-holio: i coulld let u hear

PseudoMe: how?

Ash-holio: have cell will call lol

PseudoMe: lol

PseudoMe: im not realy ready to give out my number

Ash-holio: was kiddin

PseudoMe: you were kidding?

PseudoMe: teaser lol

Ash-holio: yes i don’t think we have talked enough

Ash-holio: to have u hear me

Ash-holio: id call to chat

PseudoMe: im weird. i don't mind going to a party or 1on1 fun but don't want to give out personel info lol

Ash-holio: not at odd

Ash-holio: niot at all odd

Ash-holio: its understandable

Ash-holio: so tell me about u

PseudoMe: what do you want to know?

Ash-holio: well i know u are single and a nurse

Ash-holio: and where your from

Ash-holio: hobbies?

PseudoMe: i like to run and i ski. but i haven't ran since i moved here

PseudoMe: i told you where i’m from?

Ash-holio: u see me youd run

Ash-holio: well i guess where u live now

PseudoMe: your right i would. your hot lol

PseudoMe: no im from Wisconsin. i moved here in september

Ash-holio: thx

Ash-holio: i was in the hospital in green bay

PseudoMe: which one?

Ash-holio: brb

Ash-holio: don’’t remember name

PseudoMe: im from a few hours from there

Ash-holio: have a big water cup from them lol

Ash-holio: i like to run

Ash-holio: watch movies

PseudoMe: are you from Missouri?

Ash-holio: no i live in kentucky

Ash-holio: but the trucking company i work for is in springfield

PseudoMe: cool. i never been there. is it nice?

Ash-holio: its ok

Ash-holio: its all seems the same to me now \

Ash-holio: i travel so much

PseudoMe: is that where your baby is?

Ash-holio: you reall are one sexy lady

Ash-holio: yes

Ash-holio: im just divorced

PseudoMe: thanks!

Ash-holio: well 3 months

PseudoMe: oh im sorry

Ash-holio: wish you had a close up of your face

Ash-holio: tis ok we grew apart

PseudoMe: that is sad

Ash-holio: what is sad?

PseudoMe: im trying to get more pics

PseudoMe: that you grew apart

Ash-holio: yes it was more me than her

Ash-holio: i wanted to try new things she didnt

PseudoMe: like what?

Ash-holio: ball room dancings... plays... ballet

Ash-holio: just going out

Ash-holio: she was a home body

PseudoMe: you like those things?

Ash-holio: id like dancving don’t know about the others

Ash-holio: wanna try

Ash-holio: i drive and stay in the truck a lot so i needed more

PseudoMe: and she wouldnt do those things? wow

Ash-holio: she was just a stay at home person

PseudoMe: do you get to see the baby? im sorry i forget boy or girl

Ash-holio: yes i do

Ash-holio: she wont keep him away

Ash-holio: we parted as friends

PseudoMe: that's good. hard to do

Ash-holio: yes it is

Ash-holio: hard to think that your not taken

PseudoMe: i was lol

PseudoMe: im divorced too. 2 years now. hes abusive

Ash-holio: i wouldnt let someone as pretty as u go

Ash-holio: im sorry

Ash-holio: there is no call for that

PseudoMe: thanks

PseudoMe: he is one of the reasons i moved here

Ash-holio: a woman is a gift and i count my blessings to spend time with one

 PseudoMe: your sweet

Ash-holio: i really understand not wanting to give out number

Ash-holio: trust would be hard to give

PseudoMe: my ex is a big part of that. thanks for understadning. you are the only person i told so far

PseudoMe: did your wife go to parties with you?

PseudoMe: sorry exwife

Ash-holio: no she didnt have the sex drive i had

Ash-holio: i didnt go to any till the papers was filed

Ash-holio: u there?

PseudoMe: yes sorry taking meds lol

Ash-holio: lol ok

PseudoMe: you ginxed me to get sick lol

Ash-holio: lol sorry

Ash-holio: let me be totally open with you ok karen

PseudoMe: ok

Ash-holio: as i dont know what your looking for

Ash-holio: but let me tell in a nutshell about my life at this point ok

PseudoMe: ok

Ash-holio: im mainly looking for friends

Ash-holio: i do have a girlfiend but we are in an open relationship

PseudoMe: where is she? your driving a lot i guess

Ash-holio: friends is what i value and when you’re my friends ill do anything i can for you

Ash-holio: she isnt in the truck with me yet

Ash-holio: few more months

Ash-holio: i train new drivers

Ash-holio: hope that didnt sound rude

PseudoMe: keep talking.i have to um well go to the bathroom lol

Ash-holio: lol

Ash-holio: well let me know when your back my trainiee needs help

PseudoMe: im back

PseudoMe: that doesn't sound rude. its honest

Ash-holio: wb

PseudoMe: so your girlfriend is ok with you playing?

Ash-holio: very much so

PseudoMe: how cool is that lol

Ash-holio: she is bi and wants to play as well

Ash-holio: lol

Ash-holio: and i give her name to ladies who want to ask

PseudoMe: i lean a little bi too lol

PseudoMe: more guys but sometimes girls

Ash-holio: hmmm don’’t put that image in my head

Ash-holio: she saw you pic and said meow

PseudoMe: ha ha!

PseudoMe: she did? lol

Ash-holio: yes lol

PseudoMe: does she live in st. louis?

Ash-holio: npe kentucky

PseudoMe: damnit lol

Ash-holio: as for parties it seems as im not into open groups

PseudoMe: what do you mean?

PseudoMe: hey got a pic of your girlfreind?

Ash-holio: bunch of guys waiting for their turn isnt my thing

PseudoMe: but you went to the gang bang right?

Ash-holio: http://profiles.yahoo.com/(girlfriend’s Yahoo profile)

Ash-holio: yes didnt have a very good time

Ash-holio: ate a lot of pussy but not much intercourse

Ash-holio: then again back was killin me

PseudoMe: well at least you had some fun lol

PseudoMe: i wish i got to go lol

Ash-holio: i think id take u in the back alone

PseudoMe: she is hot!

PseudoMe: and she luvs you aww

Ash-holio: i think id take u in the back alone

PseudoMe: where did you go?

Ash-holio: i was booted

PseudoMe: ow lol Ash-holio: did u look at profile

PseudoMe: yes she is cute!

Ash-holio: thx

Ash-holio: she is a lot like me

PseudoMe: maybe you can bring her to st. louis sometime lol

Ash-holio: small group sex is better than a lot of people

Ash-holio: i can

Ash-holio: she will be on the road with me

PseudoMe: i think im a little like you. looking for friends who like to play

Ash-holio: u know i could give u a massage and lick you and not need to get any to be happy

PseudoMe: that has to be hard to drive a truck and see her and your baby

Ash-holio: it is

Ash-holio: she will be on later if you want to say hi

PseudoMe: maybe

_____________________________________

February 6, 2004

Ash-holio has been served!! I can't give all the details now....do as many as I can.

At 11:30 a.m., I picked Ash-holio up from the Meijer parking lot. I told him he had a certified letter waiting for him and "let's just go get it on the way home."

I walked into the post office with him, watched him sign the green card for certified mail, and had him open it there at the post office. My friend Susananie says I have balls of steel. LOL He looked at it, looked at me, and said, "Take me back to the truck please" and stomped over to the car.

In the car, he said, "Why?? Why are you doing this?!" I said, "You know, Ash-holio. You know why." He continued to deny it, and then he said, "You think I've been cheating on you, don't you." I said, "I KNOW you have. I know it. Stop denying it and just admit it." He continued to deny, and then he said, "Fine. I've cheated on you. Now you know. You weren't putting out and weren't giving me any respect, so I went elsewhere."

He wanted to go home so we could talk, and I refused to take him. I gave him the options of his truck or his mother's, and that's it. He said, "I'm not getting out of the car. You'll have to call the cops and remove me." I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Okay."

I did agree to sit and talk, but not at home, so we went into the café' at Meijer and talked for 2 hours. He kept saying, "I know you're going to take Dudie from me." @@ He said at first that he'd never keep C-Bug from me, and then he started complaining about spousal support. He said, "I'll never getto come off the road if I have to pay you that." I said, "Well, you made that choice when you did what you did. And you've done a lot more than this one girl." He continued to deny everything else....even said he only slept with the girl (Lisa...the bisexual girlfriend) once. Yeah right.

Then he did what I thought he would do. He asked if I would compromise on the spousal support thing...he said he could get a local job and keep Dudie during the day. I said no. He said, "Then I'm gonna call Ex #1 and just give C-Bug to her." Basically threatening to keep C-Bug from me. My response: "Okay. Go ahead and do that. I'm not going to use the kids as bargaining chips and I'm not going to compromise."

He said he was sorry that I found out and sorry that I was hurt. I said, "But you're not sorry for what you did. If you were, you would have said that first."

He kept begging me to let him go home for a little while and to see Dudie. I told him Susan had Dudie for the day and didn't know when she'd be home. He said, "Can I just go home and take a shower?" I said, "No." He started to cry, and I ignored it.

I took him back to the truck. He drove it to H&R Block, and I met him there with our tax papers. Then we filed our taxes. LOL

He did get to see Dudie....I brought him there when I went back to the tax place to sign everything. Then he went to his truck and left. He did say that he's going to "put some money back for a lawyer." Yeah, go ahead and do that.

We're not telling C-Bug quite yet - I talked him out of doing that today. We'll wait at least until she's back home again, if not longer. Once Ex #1 finds out, she'll take C-Bug, and I want to schmooze Ex #1 a little before that happens to better my chances of getting more visitation.

So that's the short version. LOL I'm feeling surprisingly fine. Thanks for all the prayers and thoughts today - they really did help. :-)

_____________________________________________

February 12, 2004

I've been quiet again..sorry about that.

Ash-holio's coming tomorrow afternoon to collect his things and get the heck outta my home. I just finished packing the last of it (into plastic bags...the trash can take out his trash..hehe).

He's going to C-Bug's game tomorrow night, and he says that he plans to tell her that we're divorcing after the game. Then he's leaving, and I'll be left to pick up the pieces. Nice. Ash-holio told Ex #1 the other day that we're divorcing. (He says) Ex #1 has agreed to let C-Bug finish the school year with her current schedule. When school's finished, C-Bug will live with Ex #1 full time, and Ash-holio will have visitation every other weekend. On the weekends Ash-holio's not in town, I get C-Bug. She's also agreed to have C-Bug go back to weekly counseling. I'll take her on the weeks she's with Ex #1 (she'll come home on the bus and then I'll take her to Ex #1 after the appointment). Ash-holio claims they're going to enter an Agreed Order with the court and including my visitation in that Order. We'll see.

Ash-holio has retained an attorney...something he told me he wasn't going to do. He's offered me $XXX/week for spousal and child support. According to the state guidelines, he'd only have to give me $XX/week. I'm accepting the $XXX and running with it.

He's asked for joint custody of Dudie and flexible visitation due to his work schedule. I'm considering it only because he would only see Dudie like once a month.

The depression that I've felt coming on for weeks has started to hit. I don't know how bad it's going to get, and no, meds at this point won't do a thing. The nature of my meds is to balance out body chemistry, and that takes around three months. So even if I started meds a week ago, it would do nothing to improve things (actually, it would make them worse, as the cycle of getting back to normal consists of a huge high period, followed by a huger crash). The best I can do is ride it out and do whatever I can to minimize its strength (avoid all sugar...good thing I'm on Atkins, up my intake of B6 and B12, avoid copper, no antihistamines, etc.) I'm going to be okay. Seriously. Please do not spend time worrying about this, all right?

I'm thinking about taking the kids to a hotel for the night on Saturday...one with a heated pool. We need some fun "us" time.

That's it for now. Finishing my glass of water and going to bed.

February 14, 2004

Ash-holio showed up for C-Bug's game last night....30 seconds before she was to perform. C-Bug was panic stricken, in tears, until that point because she thought Daddy wasn't coming. I was furious. Ash-holio's excuse was that his mother brought him and ran all these errands before the game. Yeah...right.

He asked if he could use my car to take C-Bug to a movie. I thought his plan was to tell her after the movie. So I drove home (he was in the car) and he came in for a minute before leaving with C-Bug (something that won't happen again). She asked him if they could go eat after the movie and he said, "I don't know. We have to have a serious talk and I doubt you'll be hungry after it. In fact, I doubt you'll want to see the movie." ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!! He told her in the car BEFORE the movie!!

So he called me and said, "I just told her and she doesn't seem too upset about it. She was kinda upset at first, but I told her that she'll still see you and Dudie, so she's fine with it now." I was so angry. Of course she's not gonna show Ash-holio how she feels...she never does! Then he proceeds to accuse me of cashing our tax refund check behind his back because he found an envelope in the car....which was from Dudie's SSI check. I'll have words with him this afternoon about accusing me of ANYTHING in front of the children (or any other time, for that matter).

He hasn't gotten his stuff out of here yet. I told him he has until the end of today, and then it's going into the dumpster (except for the TV...I'll keep that).

After getting home from the movie, I had C-Bug get into my bed so we could have big talks. She said, "I don't want to talk about it." I said, "Buggy, we have to." I told her why this is happening. She said, "Daddy told me. He cheated on you." I explained exactly what cheating is, and informed her that he's still doing it. I explained that if I stayed with him, it would only teach her to stay with someone who's treating her poorly and breaking vows, and that's something I musn't teach her. I told her that her moving to her mother's ripped my heart out, but that I'm not responsible for that, her father is. I told her that Ash-holio knew his actions would cause C-Bug to move to her mother and Dudie to lose out on things, but he's doing it anyway. She said, "Daddy said he's working his butt off so you can stay home with Dudie." I said, "Yes Bug...because I'm making him. He's trying to make me go back to work, but y'know? *I* didn't do this, so I'm not going to punish Dudie for what your father has done."

She kept saying, "Shoes. I'm thinking about shoes." I asked her what she was talking about, and she said she was thinking about shoes to keep from crying. I told her that it's okay to cry (I was bawling), and she said, "I don't want to cry, and I don't want to think about it." I told her that I understood completely, and that was okay at the time, but a little at a time, she's going to have to think about and deal with this, and that I'm here to help her as well as her counselor.

I gave her two things...a dolphin necklace/earring set of mine that she's wanted for years, and the mother&child necklace. She loved them both and thanked me, but was pretty detached from the whole situation. I know what she's doing...avoiding the whole thing as hard as she can. I figured she would. But it's gonna come out sometime soon, and it's gonna be an explosion.

Ash-holio took her to Cincinnati this morning to watch him bowl in a tournament. (Gee, he can only give me $150 for the week because he's so broke, yet he can go to a bowling tournament). She'll be back late this afternoon. If Ash-holio's stuff isn't being carried out of here when they get back, then off to the dumpster it goes.

I made the reservation for the hotel room. We're going to a Holiday Inn Holidome on Sunday and staying until Monday morning (Saturday's rate is $119 for the night and Sunday's is $57...good ol' V-Day price hike). I told C-Bug about it last night, and she's psyched.

That's it for now.

_____________________________________________

February 26, 2004

So Ash-holio just called....told me that after this co-driver, he's done with training. Then he said, "I might as well tell you so you hear it from me....I'm having Lisa ride in the truck with me so she can see whether or not she wants to train and drive a truck."

I said...."So, you're bringing the girlfriend on, eh? The one you tried to get me to agree to ride with you back in October...when you were already sleeping with her. The one you said is some 'poor girl in a bad situation' and you just wanted to help her out. The one whose FATHER was going to call me because he wanted to keep her from leaving. The father you said was some psycho and was only trying to get you into trouble. Newsflash. I've known for a long time that you were planning to have her ride in the truck with you."

I said, "Thanks Ash-holio. Thanks a lot." He said, "For what?" I said, "For all of it." He said, "I'm sorry." I said, "No, you're NOT sorry. Don't bother saying it Ash-holio because you're not." Motherfucker.

I've got to stop letting him make me cry, dammit. But I'm looking at C-Bug and seeing what this asshole has done to her. I mean...she went fetal during her counseling appointment - literally lying in a chair in the fetal position. And it's his damned fault. And he says, "I'm sorry." Sorry my ass.

Oh, and he says that C-Bug's fine and that her going fetal during her counseling session and chanting to make herself not cry is C-Bug acting for ME. He said, "She only does this when you're near." Gee, maybe because she can TRUST ME?!?!

__________________________________

Early March 2004

Ash-holio came to get his stuff. Well, half of it.

He and his mother came over Friday afternoon to pick up his things. I gotta tell ya...Ash-holio looks bad. Really bad. He hasn't had a haircut since November 12 (when Susan came over and gave him a buzz cut). He hasn't shaven in probably two months...and this guy grows hair faster than a Chia Pet. His t-shirt was too small - belly hanging out. He was wearing too small sweat pants with the legs tucked into his work boots - which were untied. He's a mess.

He loaded the car and said, "Well, that's all I can take this time. The car's full." I said, "Can't you take it to your mother's and come back for the rest?" (She lives about 15 minutes from here). He said, "I won't be in town that long." @@ So his mother, the perpetual "take care of my baby" person, said that she and Ash-holio's dad would come and get the rest. Fine. Whatever.

Then we went to the bank (branch at Meijer) to cash the tax refund check and take my name off of our joint account. They won't take my name off, so next week after the last two checks have cleared, I'm closing the entire account. Ash-holio can't get a bank account on his own (because he's an idiot), so his mommy opened a joint account with him. Hope she's prepared to pay for his online gaming - I know he won't put any money into that account. Idiot.

So, when we got to the bank, the guys who work there all saw me with Ash-holio and their eyes bugged out. LOL (They all know what's going on). I made sure to look particularly good that day - hair and makeup and stuff. Eric, oneof the bankers, went on - loudly - about how good I look and actually gave me a hug...in front of Ash-holio. It was priceless. LMAO (Even better that Eric is a hottie...hehehe).

On the divorce process front.....my attorney is preparing an agreed settlement and will send it to Ash-holio's attorney soon. In the agreement, I'm putting in for my having sole custody of Dudie. This is the only thing so far that we're not agreeing on...Ash-holio doesn't know yet that I'm actually seeking sole custody. He's going to balk at that, which means we'll go to mediation. I *want* to force him into mediation. My plan is to show him, his attorney, and the mediator everything I've collected on him over the past couple of months. That's where I want Ash-holio to see what I know. I want to see him freak out. I have a strong feeling he'll give me sole custody after seeing that huge stack of paper I've collected.

So that's where we are. One more thing - I want to once again thank everyone for your support. I know I tend to write an update and then not respond to your replies. It's not that I don't appreciate your replies and thoughts - it's just that there are so many (and I know that's a good thing)...and writing the updates takes a lot out of me emotionally. Please know that I appreciate every response, thought, word of encouragement, expression of support - all of it. Please don't be hurt that I don't respond - know that I respond in my head and heart if not my fingers.

March 10, 2004

This happened Saturday morning.

C-Bug just came over to get a shirt (she's with Ex #1 for the week but spent the night with a friend who lives near here). She said Ash-holio's coming into town tonight and taking her to a movie....and that she's gonna get to meet "Lisa"...Y'know Lisa, the 21 year-old bisexual girlfriend. Niiiiiice. Screw the kid up even more.

He hasn't told me he's coming to town yet. If he calls and asks to see Dudie, my response will be, "No....I don't think it's appropriate for Dudie to meet your new vagina yet."

March 20, 2004

Took Dudie over to Ash-holio's mom's so Ash-holio could have his visit...first one since all this happened. I hate it. Ash-holio wasn't even there. His dad said they ran up to Arby's. When I got home, Ash-holio called to ask what size bike Dudie needs (I suggested a new bike as a birthday gift since he's outgrown the one he has). I didn't know they sold bikes at Arby's.

Ash-holio is having a "birthday party" for Dudie since he won't be in town on his birthday - and since I told him that he's not invited to the party I'm having. I know how this "party" will go...eat some cake, open a gift, and done. All parties at that house last 20 minutes.

I suspect that the girlfriend is there. Ash-holio's dad wouldn't look me in the eye - he never acts like that. I should have asked - he would have told me the truth. Ash-holio said she wouldn't be there out of "respect for my wishes." I should have asked.

Thursday night, Ash-holio called and said he's canceling his plans with Dudie, but that he would be keeping his plans with C-Bug Friday night. Then last night, he called and said, "I've changed my mind and I want to see Dudie." Jeez, make up your friggin' mind! I said that this is the LAST time I'll make changes like that - I'd already made plans since he canceled, and I'll not cancel what I've set up to suit his whims again. He said he was canceling because he'd only be in town a short time, and he didn't want to drive the girlfriend home and then come back. So he was going to choose not seeing his son over stashing the girlfriend someplace. Nice. I don't know what made him change his mind - but I do have a feeling that he decided "screw what Brenda thinks...I'm having my girlfriend here." Guess I'll find out in a few hours.

Later that day:

Well, one good thing - the girlfriend wasn't there. However, Ash-holio called 3 times while Dudie was there...one was about the bike, one was a "call me please" and the last one was Ash-holio asking me to go out there, pick Dudie up, and drive him to the movie theater so Ash-holio could take him to a movie, and then I pick up Dudie from the theater afterwards. @@ Now, Ash-holio was out at a store when he called about the bike...perfect time to pick up a carseat for Dudie, right? DUH. I ignored that phone message as well (told Ash-holio I wasn't home...hehehe). When I got to his mom's at 7, Ash-holio was all pouty and forelorn looking...wahh. He was pouting because I didn't answer the phone. Again, wahh. And get this - they had this "party" for Dudie, but Ash-holio didn't even give Dudie a birthday present. His mom gave him an outfit and a POS "remote" 18-wheeler that will break within a week. Ash-holio said he didn't get the bike because I didn't answer the phone (way to blame *me*), and that he's going to get him a "really good" remote control car at the end of April. I won't hold my breath.

The important thing is that Dudie had fun with father and C-Bug. I guess I should be grateful that he's not yet old enough to understand any of this, y'know? _____________________________________________

April 20, 2004

I haven't updated for a while - mainly because there hasn't been much to report. LOL The divorce is not yet final because Ash-holio is dragging his...ash. My attorney spoke to his attorney, who said that he has been unable to reach Ash-holio. Ash-holio said that he's been calling his attorney and not getting any return calls. Then he said that he's lost the attorney's phone number and doesn't remember his name to look up the number. Why did I marry such an idiotic turd. I informed him that since he hasn't responded formally to the proposed settlement agreement my attorney sent over a month ago (he and I discussed it over the phone and worked out an agreement, but he hasn't confirmed that with his attorney), that I was going ahead with scheduling the mediation, and if he didn't want that to happen, he'd best get off his ash and talk to his friggin' attorney.

The good thing is that Ash-holio has agreed to my proposed settlement in its entirety. ALL of it. I get sole custody of my son, visitation of my daughter, and Ash-holio pays for me to stay home until my son starts first grade. :::fistpump::: There are several other things in the agreement, but I won't list them - theones I mentioned are the highlights. If Ash-holio had called his attorney and confirmed his agreement to my proposal, the divorce would be final by now. But no, he has to avoid everything and prolong it. I think when he gets notice of the mediation date, that will set a fire under his ash and make him sign my proposal. At least I hope so.

He's paying support, but not consistently. So far, he's three weeks behind, and considering that's my sole income, three weeks is a lot. I'm managing - kinda, but I'm eager to get the divorce final - when he has a court order of support and gets behind, I have legal recourse...right now I have none. He decided to not send me the money to pay our state income tax - he said "I'll just have to pay the penalties and interest." See, he *has* the money - it's in a bank account. But he refuses to use it....he says that money is to take our daughter to Disneyworld this summer. Yeah....screw the government and take your kid to see Mickey. The government likes that. Turd. So I paid the tax out of the weekly support - took over half of it. Ouch. The retainer fee I paid my attorney is nearly used up, so I'd like to get this over with soon and not accrue more fees.

Dudie is handling all of this fine - he's oblivious to it, really, as his father's been absent most of the time since he was 18 months old. We talk about it...I tell him how when he sees his father, it will be at grandma's house and not here. It doesn't sink in, but that's okay - he's not going through stress about it.

C-Bug, on the other hand, has pretty much shut down emotionally. She's not feeling any pain, sadness, anger, upset, joy, happiness, excitement....she merely exists. Sorta. She's becoming more and more selfish and more intolerant of her brother - nasty to him 90% of the time. I understand what's going on, and I'm being patient, but it's very hard to see her go through and very hard to deal with. Her counselor has left the agency - yesterday was her last day, so that means right now, my daughter is without a counselor. Her mother is looking into finding another one.

Speaking of my daughter's mother, Ex #1, she extended the olive branch and is eager to join forces and become a "Crush Ash-holio" team. LOL She knows I have something against Ash-holio that is damaging, and she's loving it (I won't tell her what it is...no way). Ann said that my daughter will come here every other weekend (unless he's in town) no matter what Ash-holio has to say about it (in case he tries to use that visitation to control me). I'm glad about that, but I still don't trust her. And it still breaks my heart that my daughter is going to live with Ex #1.

That's it for now. Thanks for listening and for all the support. :-) _____________________________________

April 21, 2004

Just got off the phone with my attorney......Ash-holio finally contacted his attorney and told him he agrees to everything!!!! The signature page for the agreed order is in the mail and on its way to me! RAHHHHHHHHHH!

And Ash-holio's attorney is totally perplexed...Ash-holio told him he wants to pay a dollar amount higher than what's in my proposal, but he didn't explain why. LMAO (He's putting in extra because I'm making him cover my COBRA expense, and since his company won't take it directly out of his check, he has to send the payment to me directly...so we're adding it to the weekly support). So his attorney must be thinking Ash-holio's all generous and gallant....yeah right.

According to my attorney, after I sign the signature page of the agreed order, he'll submit interrogatories (kind of a confirmation of my information), the judge will sign the order, and I'll be free of that rat bastard! Wheeee!

_____________________________

May 29, 2004

The saga continues...

Haven't done an update in....well, in some time.

For a while there I thought I had really good news to share, but it's not looking that way now. The good news was that Ash-holio agreed to everything I've asked for and that the divorce would be final quickly. Hasn't turned out that way. My divorce from Ash-holio is not yet final, and Ex-wife #1 is the cause of that. Apparently her attorney looked up my petition for divorce and told Ex-wife #1 what's in it. She now wants whatever I'm getting, custody-wise and financially. She and Ash-holio had a verbal agreement (not a binding one) between them prior to her attorney finding anything out, but she has now thrown that agreement out the window. So now Ash-holio won't allow my agreement to be entered into the court until he straightens things out with Ex-wife #1. Goodness knows when that will be.

Aside from this causing a big time delay, it's causing my attorney fees to climb. I just got a letter today from my attorney with a $500 bill and a request for another retainer fee. Yeah, right. Ash-holio is 6 weeks behind in support (he's paying regularly, but in February and March, he paid barely anything). I'm setting up some eBay auctions tonight to help with that bill and fee. Buy something, will ya? LOL (KIDDING)

A case management meeting has been scheduled by the court - in August. Please pray that all of this is over by then and we won't have to go. Don't need that additional attorney fee or the emotional carp.

Last Saturday, I helped my daughter pack her room and then the next day, I drove her to bio-mom's house. She officially lives with her bio-mom now. It sucks. She said a couple of times while packing, "I really don't want to move." All I could say was, "I know, Buggy. I don't want you to either."

She's started calling me by my first name, which she hasn't done since my wedding. She doesn't do it all the time, but I have a feeling that she will soon. I know it's her way of distancing herself and protecting herself from pain, but it still hurts. No way I'm letting her know that it hurts, though...she doesn't need that on top of everything else. When my son and I got home from taking Bug to her bio-mom's, he sat on the floor and cried - "I want Bug! I miss my sistah." So far I'm told Bug will come here every other weekend, but I don't think that will happen for long.

It's getting to be too much. Too damned much. With this divorce, losing my family, and then another recent awful event, it's just too much. I hate to sound that way, so negative and whiny. But dammit this isn't fair. I'm supposed to be married to a decent man and have both of my children here. We're supposed to be happy.

I'm sorry. I wish I'm able to post a "happy as possible" ending to this whole saga. You all have been so wonderful and I was hoping to be able to say, "Yay! It's over! Let's have a massive party!" But I can't, and right now, I don't know if "happiness" will ever come around here.

.

July 9, 2004

Knew this was coming....

Guess what I heard on the phone last night? "Oh boo hoo hoo, B, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for what I've done, and I still love you, and I'll do anything to get you back, and I'm getting rid of all my bad habits, and I want to be your husband again. Is there anything I can do to get you to take me back? Boo hoo hoo hoo....."

Do it with me now: @@

An hour and a half of Ash-holio apologizing, saying he still loves me, saying he wants me back, asking if I'd take him back, and him telling me all the changes he'd make if I took him back. All the while STILL not admitting that he's a swinger party gang bang whore. LMAO What a DOLT. I said, "Look, you're telling me all of this yet you're still not being honest with me. I *know* there have been more women than just Lisa and you refuse to fess up." He still refuses to acknowledge any of it, and he said, "I know you, and if you had the so-called proof that you say you have, you would have brought it up a long time ago instead of just saying that you know." Gee, he really knows me, doesn't he.

He said he's trying to do healthier things. He said he ordered a salad and was able to get three bites down (wow! He deserves a friggin' Bozo button!). I said, "Y'know, you could do Atkins...don't have to eat a lot of salad with that one." He said, "I didn't order the salad to lose weight, B.....I did it for you. To show you that I can change." Wow, whodathunkit....iceberg lettuce is life altering!!!

As for the girlfriend....he claims he broke things off with her weeks ago....yet, when I checked his Yahoo mail, I see that he's been sending her picture to people in hopes of getting a threesome, as well as sending pictures of his penis...he did it 2 days ago. The man is such a turd.

See, I'm thinking he's doing this partially to get out of paying me out the ass in child support. However, I also think he's realized what a miserable existence he's created for himself and he's trying to get back to the life he had with me. There is no way in hell that will ever EVER happen, however, I do still need to "play the game" until the divorce is final to ensure that I get everything that's been agreed to. If I piss him off right now, he can go back on our agreement and force me back to work (which puts Dudie in daycare with no therapies). So....I sort of pacified him by saying I'd think long and hard about it, but I still want the divorce to go through. That seemed to work. After the divorce is final, I'll officially tell him "Fuck no, you assclown."

_____________________________

August 28, 2004

I'm FREEEEEEEEE!!

It's official! I am deeee-vorced! Hehe As of August 20, 2004, I am the FORMER wife of Ash-holio. He is my ex-husband. Damn that sounds good: Ash-holio is my EX-husband.

I did get everything I wanted out of the settlement, the biggest of those my having sole custody of Dudie and being able to stay home with him until he starts first grade.

What a ride this has been, eh? I should turn it into a book, "The Ash-holio Saga."

I've done a lot of thanking, and I'll continue it here. I thank everyone for the overwhemingly wonderful support I've received. I'm truly blessed to know all of you.

___________________________________

September 4, 2004

Oh boy....more fun

Get this: So this is the IM conversation I had with Ash-holio on Wednesday.

Ash-holio: thanx a lot. ouch

Ash-holio: and u didnt want to call me back

Ash-holio: used yet again

Ash-holio: bye

Me: What are you talking about?

Ash-holio: forget it

Me: Call you back about what??

Ash-holio: doesnt matter and im glad your happy finally

Me: Who said I'm happy?

Ash-holio: as i said forget it beej

Ash-holio: nothing matters anymore tell dudie his dad loved him

Ash-holio signed off at 4:21 PM

Ash-holio signed on at 4:23 PM

Me: So you don't love him anymore? What's that all about?

Ash-holio: ill always love him

Me: So what's with the "loved" thing?

Ash-holio: it dont matter but he will be taken care of with money

Ash-holio: bye

Ash-holio: im so sorry for all the pain ive cause you beej but not it has come to an end,,, please take good care of dudie,,

Ash-holio: bye

Ash-holio: can i ask you one thing

Ash-holio: guess not

Ash-holio signed off at 5:17 PM

After this, he proceeded to call me 11 times. I ignored his calls. There's no friggin' way I'm gonna give him what he wants, which is a response to his threats. So to get away from the phone, I took Dudie to the pool.

S___ and I were out there chit chattin', and I saw someone go into my building and got a weird feeling. I said to him, "S__, did you see who went in there? That dark haired, hunched over person looks a wee bit too familiar."

Two minutes later, out walked the same person and he headed for the pool. It was ASH-HOLIO. He said he was trying to call so I could meet him so that he could give me some money but I wasn't answering. So he just SHOWED UP. Fucker. It really freaked me out since I had no idea he was in town.

And he looked like dog vomit. I mean...remember when I described how bad he looked back when he came to collect his belongings? This was 5 times worse. That gaping hole in his mouth from the 3 teeth he had extracted a couple of weeks ago - woooo that's attractive (front tooth and the two next to it). Wonder how popular that’s gonna make him on the gang bang circuit. Hasn't had a haircut in months, and apparently no shower in a long time. Eww eww.

He gave me some money, I thanked him for it. Apparently that wasn't enough of a response, so he stomped off all angry-like. I guess I should be visibly grateful that he gave me a little money, when he’s over $2000 behind in support. Then he came back and started talking to Dudie. Dudie knew who he was but didn't show any excitement (the ladybug he was holding captivated his attention). All he said was "Look Daddy, a ladybug!" Ash-holio asked if he could take Dudie to the park for a minute (about 40 feet away), and then they played on the swings for a while. They came back to the pool, and Ash-holio watched Dudie swim.

The pool was closing and Ash-holio was showing no signs of leaving. S__ was willing to be my "backup"...I was gonna tell Ash-holio that S__'s having dinner with us, so it's time to say goodbye. I decided to not do that though...don't want to put S__ in that position. Ash-holio asked if he could have more time with Dudie at the park, and I agreed since two other parents were out there. Then he brought Dudie back in and proceeded to sit down on my couch. I said, "It's time for Dudie to have dinner and get a bath. Dudie, time to give Daddy a hug and kiss goodbye."

Ash-holio stalled and elongated the goodbye process for-friggin'-ever. He said, "Can I ask you a question? Have you thought about what we talked about?" (He was referring to the "let's get back together" talk). I just gave him a blank stare and said, "I can't talk about that right now." I didn't want to tell him to go fuck himself when Dudie was standing there.

He FINALLY left, and as he was leaving, he asked me to call him when the kids went to bed (had 3 extra kids spending the night). What the hell for?!?! I didn't call. And the next time he pulls this shit, I will not be accommodating like I was this time. It was just such a shock that he showed up, y'know?

I need to go fumigate the couch he sat on. Ugh. _____________________________

And this was just a few minutes ago:

Ash-holio: changed my mind im glad we are apart,

Ash-holio: you have shown me things the last few days... and makes me wonder alot about you

Ash-holio signed off at 7:42 PM ________________

Gee, someone is desperately trying to get my attention, no?

__________________________________

December 31, 2004

One year ago today, I found about Ash-holio.  It was the day that, for me, my marriage ended.  I'll never forget how I felt the moment I read his accounts of his extra-marital activities.  I felt sick, horribly sick, and panicked, and betrayed, and furious, and scared, and duped, and more that I can't describe.  I called my mom immediately, screaming and crying, trying to tell her what I'd found.  She asked me two questions:  "What do you want to do?  And are you strong enough to do it?"  And with Mom's words, something in my head just clicked - almost immediate calm and initial preparation for what I would do about it.

Today, I've thought about the past year and how much things have changed.  And what I thought about first was how many people helped me through it - I've said before how overwhelming it's been to have such support, and the majority of that support has come from You People.  I know for sure that I wouldn't have come through this past year nearly as well had it not been for You People.  I've said it before, but I'm saying it again:  though I've never seen most of you face to face, and haven't heard most of your voices, I feel incredibly blessed to have You People as my friends. 

Thank you.  Thank you for the love and friendship you've shown me during this past year and in years past.  I love You People.

Happy New Year to you all!!